Yet another gloomy, pessimistic document found recently...
Sometimes, when we are overcome by a sense of loss, or grief, following a particularly exacting phase in our lives, we turn to God to help us recover. Recover our joy, happiness, wonder, humour, amazement, our very faith in the goodness, the rightness of continued living. What good is life, we say? Look how it has tormented me so much recently. Look at my misfortunes. And some of us lament the unfortunate turn of events that brought this to come to pass.
There are others.
I speak not of the others who bear the burden of life, with all its troubles, cheerfully, and with a chipper face, blissfully (yet, I think incorrectly) content in the rationalisation that all the medusas of the world are balanced by the aphrodites.
Some believe that. I, alas, do not.
You may be surprised at what I believe. You may even call it a fatalistic point of view. Indeed, you would be accurate in that assumption, for that is exactly what I categorise it as as well.
You see, I believe that Muphy got it bang on target when he coined his famous law. Everything that can go wrong, will go wrong in the worst manner possible, at the worst possible time. You may have heard a slight variation. The essence however remains the same.
The world, is out to get you. And what's worse? It will succeed one day. For even if you don't give in, trying to put your best face forward, all dapper in the misfounded determination to not let unfortunate events affect your cheerfulness, you'll still be giving in. For you'll ignore the truth. The plain and simple truth. To try to plod through life by ignoring life's attacks is not to live at all.
Yet, all men are just that, men. They have to fight back. To struggle. To not give in without a fight. Yet, men are but beings of finite resources. The most important of which resources, is of course, the cliched will to live on. The will to survive, to fight back, to wriggle out of any situation detrimental.
The most important resource, yes, but still finite. And so some men are broken. Some are crushed by poverty, some by loss of love, or loved ones, some by HAVING no loved ones (a very slow, yet very lethal poison), some are crushed by the loss of control of their lives.
Some are crushed by the realisation that their life was nevre meant to be theirs anyway. They were indebted to duty the second they were born. Many forsake this duty, for they have a resilient enough sense of honour and self-esteem, that they can renounce all others' claims on themselves, and be the master of their own destiny. Yet many do not.
The human mind can rebound healthy from many setbacks. Yet betrayal, total and complete betrayal, of values, of trust, of friendship, of respect, of love, of kindness, of honesty, of dedication, of duty, of blood, of decency, of time spent together, of so damn much! That, I do not think many minds can recover from. I know for a fact that mine cannot. And will not.
I am at a crossroads in my life. As usual, I don't know the right path, yet now, when I look back, look around, I see the path that i was following earlier, was an illusion, a fantasy, a false impression created by my mind.
Did I not see the truths? I would like to think I did. If I didn't, I would have been pretty stupid, now, wouldn't I? But, I think there is another reason. Perhaps, the human mind has the decency, or you could say kindness to self, to shield itself from the more unpleasant things in life. I suppose I didn't see because I did not want to see. Perhaps my mind shielded me from the more unpleasant aspect of the circumstances of my life.
I had so much. And I chose to through it away. But later it was revealed to me, that I never had anything at all. The ultimate irony, wouldn't you say?
And so I was broken. By finding out that I was never whole in the first place. Illusions can create the impression of the presence of something that was never there. My whole life was an illusion. I know that now. The question, as everyone will probably be wanting to ask is, now what?
Now that you are at the crossroads where you have to chose between keep fooling yourself till the end, or tread a new path, now what? do you chose a new path? Do I chose a new path? Is the path even there? Is any path really there?
For you see, as I was crossing the center of the intersection, I had a revelation. It was for the briefest of moments, but I saw that all the world is based only on illusion.
All of it. every single aspect. There is no one truth, no higher reality that accounts for this world wide web of illusion. It is omnipresent. Some would interpret this as a proof of my belief in a malicious, menacing God. It is not. I just contend that this is the state of the world as I see it.
And so, it is the world to me. It will always be this way. For to change something in the world is possible, but to change the world in your mind is not, for it is to change your mind itself. And it may be just my weak mind, but it cannot change itself.
I'm not rambling, or using up copious amounts of rich language shrouded in verbosity. I just need a bigger vocabulary to express myself better. There are some things that the human language, any human language is incapable of expressing accurately. This is, I suppose, one of them. I've been having a lot of these lately.
The final question that would logically arise is, now that I see no hope in life for life itself, why live? Shouldn't I just end this existence? People have this (to me) inexplicable taboo of suicide. Human society has made it up to be a bad word. It is a crime, in many countries. Even in democracies. People seem to have this subconscious belief that your life somehow does not belong to you. That is true in many, no, in almost all cases. All cases actually, if you keep honour, duty, and other such obligations in mind. So, does that mean that an individual doesn't have even the right whether to decide if he wants to live or not?
Every human being has a right to live. There is enormous outcry whenever a mass-murderer or serial killer is executed. But why doesn't a man, not held by obligations, which no longer bind him, for their betrayal by the party to whom the obligation is owed, not have the right to die? Why? It is a question to which I have never been able to receive a satisfactory answer, from anyone.
Coming back to the original question, why live? The answer to that is that my mind is so weakened by loss, by betrayal, by the upturning of my world, that it no longer has the will, or the power to think straight, let alone make any kind of resolve. I do not decide to die, because I no longer can. I am incapable of deciding anything of substance.
These days my mind is a creamy haze, with random thoughts barging through on their own trajectories, asking noone's permission, caring for no one in their path. I have lost conscious control over a lot of my mind. I now realise what mental breakdown means. What loss of mental cohesion means. What meditation seeks to prevent. What therapy seeks to remedy. And fails miserably, by replacing reality with yet another illusion that helps replace lost false self-confidence.
It's a hopeless world, and I have lost hope.
Tuesday, July 18, 2006
Past musings
Sometime back, I formatted my PC. I love doing that, as it keeps Windows ship-shape. Plus, I love the 'feel' of a clean-install computer. Anyway, I came across something I wrote as a measure to find out why I was getting so depressed some weeks back. Now that I feel the period has passed, I think it is safe enough to 'declassify' the document, and publish it here. for all those who read this blog. (that is mostly me. :D )
So here it is...
This is unsettling. I am very depressed. And I don't know why.
It has been increasing in frequency lately, this feeling. I get very sad often now. Not only that, but I think it has something to do with my view of things.
I take a lot of things for granted. Like love. I think that should be unconditional. If you love someone, nothing about that person should bother you. Even a particular trait that would be utterly repulsive in another person.
There are many things we are disgusted by. Not me, I am blase now. Nothing much affects me anymore. It seems like all the world's objects have eroded their edges to assume a similar shape, everything similar, everything conformist.
Only I don't fit in here. It is something like the Matrix. Neo new something was wrong, that he didn't quite fit in. If he hadn't known, he would have fit in pretty well. But he did. And so the world could never be his home.
That is something like what I feel. I know it sounds silly, and contradictory, that I can be blase and depressed at the same time, but I am. I am indifferent to most things in the world. Food, Drink, the "charms" of life, the high times, money... all of it.
I am not indifferent about love. It is something that gives my life meaning. The woman I love, doesn't love me quite as much as I love her, not in the way I define love. I am sure the reverse is quite true as well. Still, I would do anything for her. And yet I wouldn't be mad or possessive if she went out and got another boyfriend.
It is strange. And I would actually like it, I think. But I can't say for sure. There are many things that I would like her to do, but can never say so. The moment I tell her something I would feel nice by, it would ruin the whole purpose. There are some things you need to do on your own initiative, to surprise the other person, to refresh the monotony of their life.
I can't tell her to do something. It wouldn't hold any charm for me the moment I asked her to. And that is what depressed me the most.
We have gone all the way, and yet, she doesn't feel comfortable with a lot of things, that I would consider already settled in a relationship progressed so far.
I get depressed also because she doesn't see that. She doesn't see that I anticipate her reactions to situations, and that I try never, ever to let her even catch a hint of something that would make her sad. These things, they go on so often in my life, but I can't tell her. It would make her unhappy, and in doing so, make me unhappy. But not telling her makes me unhappy, for I see what could have been. And what is not.
I cry sometimes for this. Maybe mothers are right. Maybe they really can see what is best for you. Again, I don't know. If so, it really is an unfair world, that makes you dream first, showing you all that could be, but letting you know by experience that what could be, not always can.
It is the little things. The teeny-tiny ones. The refusal to change oneself in that minute way, so as to please the other one immensly. Most of these are subconscious, we do not even realize we change in these ways.
But some things, they grate. And grate, and grate. And bruise your sense of well-being, rubbing your happiness to bleeding.
So, should you change, to make the other happy? For it is only the other's happiness that will make you even satisfied with your life. This is one of the hardest questions I face, and one that I find myself unable to answer.
If you do change yourself, is it not a betrayal of the Self? What kind of person would one be, to have someone who cares about them change?
And if you change, does a part of you not die, strangled inside? Part of your spirit, your free soul, that you chain to oblivion, forcing compliance with an iron will, attempting at stoicism, and trying so very hard not to break down and weep like an inconsolate child?
It is very hard, this world, if you choose to make it so. But if you don't, it need not be. You can be the happiest one on earth, if you choose to let go. Just leave yourself, let the wind blow you wherever. And take pleasure in following the wind, in floating the way it takes you, and no other. For the mind is perfectly adaptable; you can learn to love exactly what happens to you, and never feel sad about it. If only you let go of the realization that it would be make-believe, mere pretence.
If only you let go.
At times like these, I often wonder if life is worth living. We have no proof of the afterlife, or even of God. God doesn't need proof. As a concept, I agree to that. So if I do not believe in God, maybe, to me, there never will be one...
Maybe all that is there around is, is only what we acknowledge, and nothing more. Maybe the atheists are right, and the devout as well. They just don't realise that they aren't the only ones.
Maybe, if there is God, He in his infinite wisdom, and mercy, wouldn't be there for atheists.
So here it is...
This is unsettling. I am very depressed. And I don't know why.
It has been increasing in frequency lately, this feeling. I get very sad often now. Not only that, but I think it has something to do with my view of things.
I take a lot of things for granted. Like love. I think that should be unconditional. If you love someone, nothing about that person should bother you. Even a particular trait that would be utterly repulsive in another person.
There are many things we are disgusted by. Not me, I am blase now. Nothing much affects me anymore. It seems like all the world's objects have eroded their edges to assume a similar shape, everything similar, everything conformist.
Only I don't fit in here. It is something like the Matrix. Neo new something was wrong, that he didn't quite fit in. If he hadn't known, he would have fit in pretty well. But he did. And so the world could never be his home.
That is something like what I feel. I know it sounds silly, and contradictory, that I can be blase and depressed at the same time, but I am. I am indifferent to most things in the world. Food, Drink, the "charms" of life, the high times, money... all of it.
I am not indifferent about love. It is something that gives my life meaning. The woman I love, doesn't love me quite as much as I love her, not in the way I define love. I am sure the reverse is quite true as well. Still, I would do anything for her. And yet I wouldn't be mad or possessive if she went out and got another boyfriend.
It is strange. And I would actually like it, I think. But I can't say for sure. There are many things that I would like her to do, but can never say so. The moment I tell her something I would feel nice by, it would ruin the whole purpose. There are some things you need to do on your own initiative, to surprise the other person, to refresh the monotony of their life.
I can't tell her to do something. It wouldn't hold any charm for me the moment I asked her to. And that is what depressed me the most.
We have gone all the way, and yet, she doesn't feel comfortable with a lot of things, that I would consider already settled in a relationship progressed so far.
I get depressed also because she doesn't see that. She doesn't see that I anticipate her reactions to situations, and that I try never, ever to let her even catch a hint of something that would make her sad. These things, they go on so often in my life, but I can't tell her. It would make her unhappy, and in doing so, make me unhappy. But not telling her makes me unhappy, for I see what could have been. And what is not.
I cry sometimes for this. Maybe mothers are right. Maybe they really can see what is best for you. Again, I don't know. If so, it really is an unfair world, that makes you dream first, showing you all that could be, but letting you know by experience that what could be, not always can.
It is the little things. The teeny-tiny ones. The refusal to change oneself in that minute way, so as to please the other one immensly. Most of these are subconscious, we do not even realize we change in these ways.
But some things, they grate. And grate, and grate. And bruise your sense of well-being, rubbing your happiness to bleeding.
So, should you change, to make the other happy? For it is only the other's happiness that will make you even satisfied with your life. This is one of the hardest questions I face, and one that I find myself unable to answer.
If you do change yourself, is it not a betrayal of the Self? What kind of person would one be, to have someone who cares about them change?
And if you change, does a part of you not die, strangled inside? Part of your spirit, your free soul, that you chain to oblivion, forcing compliance with an iron will, attempting at stoicism, and trying so very hard not to break down and weep like an inconsolate child?
It is very hard, this world, if you choose to make it so. But if you don't, it need not be. You can be the happiest one on earth, if you choose to let go. Just leave yourself, let the wind blow you wherever. And take pleasure in following the wind, in floating the way it takes you, and no other. For the mind is perfectly adaptable; you can learn to love exactly what happens to you, and never feel sad about it. If only you let go of the realization that it would be make-believe, mere pretence.
If only you let go.
At times like these, I often wonder if life is worth living. We have no proof of the afterlife, or even of God. God doesn't need proof. As a concept, I agree to that. So if I do not believe in God, maybe, to me, there never will be one...
Maybe all that is there around is, is only what we acknowledge, and nothing more. Maybe the atheists are right, and the devout as well. They just don't realise that they aren't the only ones.
Maybe, if there is God, He in his infinite wisdom, and mercy, wouldn't be there for atheists.
Monday, July 17, 2006
The Blasts
ETERNALLY CURRENT.
Everyone on the tele-connected part of the Earth now knows about yet another terror incident in Asia. This time in the heart of the Indian Economy. Mumbai was bombed on July 11th, 2006.
But then, it is not really a new thing is it? Bombs go off every now and then. Most people (in India) didn't pay much attention to the fact that bombs went off in J&K on the same day as well. Also, few probably remember that the same ghastly synchronization last Diwali. The festival of Lights held darkness of many types for many families last year. The 'jashna' will probably never come back into their lives.
The tourists noticed though. And that is when the media played a sob story about how such incidents were hampering foreign tourist inflow. The fact that people were put at risk, was also mentioned.
I guess loss of human life has become altogether commonplace on Mother Terra. Come to think of it, I believe almost all of human history has been marked by some form of massive violence. So why do we hold on to such notions that human life is Sacred?
When people have always been killing each other, where does that seemingly stupid notion of the sanctity of Human Life come from in the first place? It could be argued that it was the gift Religion gave to us, but then why the duality?
Almost all humans believe in the sacntity of life in one form or another (their own, if no-one else's). But so much killing goes on nonetheless. How is that? Why is that?
SOLIDARITY
Coming back to the Mumbaikars for a minute, they took to the streets the next day, in a show of so-called solidarity. Solidarity about what? That we weren't hurt?
India was hurt. Of course we were. To deny the fact verges on the criminal, not just on the stupid. As a newspaper column pointed out a few days ago, why are we so afraid to admit it? Why? Do we believe that admitting this strike struck a blow to us will render us somehow weaker in the eyes of the world, much less our own?
I cannot stand the attitude some of the media put up, and are abetted by some celebrities in displaying. What good is a peace march? Who are you going to convince NOT to bomb us next time by taking to the streets on a march to show the power of peace?
WAR
The advertisement campaign from the telecom major Airtel carries the punchline 'a hundred thousand candles can end a war'.
What nonsense. Which hundred thousand candles ever ended a war? Unless they were Roman candles, lit and thrown into a barbarian camp at night by a cunnining subordinate of Caesar's?
War ends only one way. In Loss. Did the USA win Vietnam? Or Korea? Did the Bolsheviks win? Did any of the Allies in the Second WW?
I'll tell you who won. No-one. No-one at all. The very fact that war has broken out somewhere shows that the human race has failed in all its capacity. Why else would we be killing our own species?
So many days out of every 365, there is only one fate for my and my kind that looms. Extinction. That isn't scary, for what is death? But it is saddening. For what is annihilation?
THE FUTURE
No man can know the future, I said in one of my earlier posts. But I think tonight, most of it is clear enough if you look at time the right way. From before when Jesus was a little-known carpenter from Nazareth, to this very second that you're reading these gloomy words of mine, one thread runs constant...
What is it? To answer that, let me end with a quote from Albert Einstein:
"There are only two things that are truly infinite: The size of the Universe, and human stupidity. And I'm not so sure about the Universe."
Everyone on the tele-connected part of the Earth now knows about yet another terror incident in Asia. This time in the heart of the Indian Economy. Mumbai was bombed on July 11th, 2006.
But then, it is not really a new thing is it? Bombs go off every now and then. Most people (in India) didn't pay much attention to the fact that bombs went off in J&K on the same day as well. Also, few probably remember that the same ghastly synchronization last Diwali. The festival of Lights held darkness of many types for many families last year. The 'jashna' will probably never come back into their lives.
The tourists noticed though. And that is when the media played a sob story about how such incidents were hampering foreign tourist inflow. The fact that people were put at risk, was also mentioned.
I guess loss of human life has become altogether commonplace on Mother Terra. Come to think of it, I believe almost all of human history has been marked by some form of massive violence. So why do we hold on to such notions that human life is Sacred?
When people have always been killing each other, where does that seemingly stupid notion of the sanctity of Human Life come from in the first place? It could be argued that it was the gift Religion gave to us, but then why the duality?
Almost all humans believe in the sacntity of life in one form or another (their own, if no-one else's). But so much killing goes on nonetheless. How is that? Why is that?
SOLIDARITY
Coming back to the Mumbaikars for a minute, they took to the streets the next day, in a show of so-called solidarity. Solidarity about what? That we weren't hurt?
India was hurt. Of course we were. To deny the fact verges on the criminal, not just on the stupid. As a newspaper column pointed out a few days ago, why are we so afraid to admit it? Why? Do we believe that admitting this strike struck a blow to us will render us somehow weaker in the eyes of the world, much less our own?
I cannot stand the attitude some of the media put up, and are abetted by some celebrities in displaying. What good is a peace march? Who are you going to convince NOT to bomb us next time by taking to the streets on a march to show the power of peace?
WAR
The advertisement campaign from the telecom major Airtel carries the punchline 'a hundred thousand candles can end a war'.
What nonsense. Which hundred thousand candles ever ended a war? Unless they were Roman candles, lit and thrown into a barbarian camp at night by a cunnining subordinate of Caesar's?
War ends only one way. In Loss. Did the USA win Vietnam? Or Korea? Did the Bolsheviks win? Did any of the Allies in the Second WW?
I'll tell you who won. No-one. No-one at all. The very fact that war has broken out somewhere shows that the human race has failed in all its capacity. Why else would we be killing our own species?
So many days out of every 365, there is only one fate for my and my kind that looms. Extinction. That isn't scary, for what is death? But it is saddening. For what is annihilation?
THE FUTURE
No man can know the future, I said in one of my earlier posts. But I think tonight, most of it is clear enough if you look at time the right way. From before when Jesus was a little-known carpenter from Nazareth, to this very second that you're reading these gloomy words of mine, one thread runs constant...
What is it? To answer that, let me end with a quote from Albert Einstein:
"There are only two things that are truly infinite: The size of the Universe, and human stupidity. And I'm not so sure about the Universe."
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