Insomnia - II (The medical & philosophical aspect)

So once more, here I am. Sleepless in Seattle. Only I'm in New Delhi, and that doesn't make for an as good aliteration. Numb in New Delhi is better, but only slightly.

My ex told me to go to a physician, to get sleeping pills or something. I'm losing weight, and she's apparently worried that I'm being pig-headed again (no offense to anyone with porcine affections) and just plain stubborn. Maybe I am. Whatever. I don't like docs, I don't like medicine that much. I figure we all know about health, diets ( the simple basics atleast, no debate on Atkins here) and sanitation, and if we fall sick, its our own damn fault. Oh sure, things that you don't have control over, such as Cancer, or systolic heart murmurs, fine. We need the docs for that. But general physicians are basically trying to sort out our own messes aren't they?

If I smoke, I shouldn't complain of shortness of breath a decade later. If I drink to get drunk, I shouldn't complain of liver damage a few years later. If I do heroin or cocaine, I shouldn't complain that life is weird and nothing seems to make sense and that the government is watching every move I make, not to mention the flying saucers coming to bombard my house cause I know of the big coverup.

Heck, if I did all that, if was my own fault. So grin and bear it. I deserve the pain then, I deserve the suffering - I brought it on myself. I know I'll get glasses if I don't read in proper light. My parents have been telling me that all my life. If I'm still getting glasses because of my eyes getting weak, maybe its because I'm too stupid to know what's good for me.

And even if I am, and I realise later ln life that it was my own fault, why cry to high heaven that I was ignorant, and it shouldn't be this way! You did what you did, whether you knew it was wrong or not. YOU did it, take responsibility, carry the burden now.

Fair? What eactly is fair? Some of the older societies in the so-called Third World assigned responsibility to the doer, and only the doer, circumstances or not. You did it. No one else. Why run away from the fact?

But the coddling of infants, making toddlers laugh off breaking mommy's valuable vase (which is a fairly common and I think extremely over-used aliteration, by the way) is what's letting on this culture of escaping blame.

Oh fine, the child doesn't get "traumatised" (note the quotes, I'm making a subtle point with them as well). But the lack of "trauma" I believe, is what starts inculcating the behavior that makes one shy away from one's actions. That is where it starts, and we start running away from things, blame, responsiblity, facts, hard choices, and finally truth.

I'm looking at things straight now. Certain things in my life have been my fault, others have not. And it is only because I'm looking at them objectively, can I have the strength of not even feeling responsible for the things I didn't cause to go wrong, or gloating in the glory of rights I didn't propagate.

Accept responsibility. What is the big deal about it. The sooner we learn to do that, the sooner the world is a better place, from all angles. And the sooner we do away with diplomatic intrigues, the mire of politics, and deception.

And the sooner people stop telling me to go to a doctor because I can't sleep. Maybe it's my own damn fault! Heck, I'm used to 24 hr workdays after B-school. And I'm choosing to stay awake, I could get a pill anytime. Please, stop telling me something's wrong, and I should get a 'remedy'. Its my own choice.

And what the heck, losing a little weight never hurt anyone close to the higher edge of the BMI index.

The Third Shot

Another composition, put to music in the wee hours of the day, just before dawn. The product of a fatigued mind, plagued by thoughts I really oughtn't to have had. But I had them anyway. So here, world, I thee inflict this!!!



The Third Shot.
*****
I'm looking into the fires of doom.
Sulphur burns into my nose.
I'm looking for the sinner I loved.
Who left me when she chose.


She went away for eternity.
She went and left me alone.
She calmed her soul thinking.
That I'd to stop to hurt and moan.

ch:
I've heard just two before.
I'll never hear two more again.
I'm gonna hear just one more.
Surrounded by doomed men.

She was right, but not all the way.
She was bright but she didn't realize.
I never gave up my love for her.
But I loved her with blazing eyes.


I loved her but I wanted her hurt.
I wanted her to know the pain.
I wanted her to know the loss.
And never know any joy again.

ch:
I've heard just two before.
I'll never hear two more again.
I'm gonna hear just one more.
Surrounded by doomed men.

So I flew over to the other city.
Caught her with her new squeeze.
They were at it on the couch.
And then time just seemed to freeze.

I pulled out my gun and pointed.
Right there between her eyes.
Said enough of this betrayal.
I've come to end all of your lies.

ch:
I've heard just two before.
I'll never hear two more again.
I'm gonna hear just one more.
Surrounded by doomed men.

As I looked on right at her.
I saw it dawn in her eyes.
She went white in the face.
Just as she realized.

Time was moving slow as glue.
The first shot went on for an hour.
I sent her away for her sin.
I sent her to Lucifer's power.

ch:
I've heard just two before.
I'll never hear two more again.
I'm gonna hear just one more.
Surrounded by doomed men.

And then the man tried to get up.
And screamed at what I'd done.
And I figured I'd killed one half.
Might as well do the other one.

So I shot them both that night.
And since then I always knew.
Even though I'd sent her to Hell.
I would be going there soon too.

ch:
I've heard just two before.
I'll never hear two more again.
I'm gonna hear just one more.
Surrounded by doomed men.

Did I regret it what I did that night?
No I'm here looking in the pyre
Searching for the one who made me.
Wind up in this torturous fire.

It was her fault we're both here.
I don't care even if it was not.
I've got my gun and when I find her.
Hell will hear another shot

ch:
I've heard just two before.
I'll never hear two more again.
I'm gonna hear just one more.
Surrounded by doomed men.

The Passing

What don't parents mean to us? Recently a friend of mine lost both of hers. I can't help but think what that would be like. She's an only child. She was sobbing on the phone, and then later in my arms. I didn't know what to say. I've tried to put that into words, but I know it doesn't do the loss justice. This is for you K, and for all the others who have gone through the heart-wrenching pain, and those who will:

The passing.


I thought that you'd never leave.
I thought you'd be there always.
To tell me when I was wrong.
To brighten up all my days.

You brought me into this world.
You brought me up to be a man,
You made me who I am now,
And now that you've left, I don't think i can.

Go on.

You taught me how to walk,
You taught me how to survive,
I don't know how you did it,
But you taught me how to thrive, and

go on

Every time I scraped a knee
Every time I slipped and fell,
Every time I failed a test,
I'd wait for you to tell, me to

Go on.

I thought that you'd never leave.
I thought you'd be there always.
To tell me when I was wrong.
To brighten up all my days.

I'm alone now, I'm all alone.
There's no one whom I can turn to,
Encouragement, or advice,
No one there to tell me to.

Go on

I guess I'll always carry,
This pain in my heart.
Maybe someday I'll marry,
And raise kids and play your part.

If I have a little boy,
I'll tell him about you.
I'll tell him just like you did.
When he falls, I'll tell him to

Go on.

Insomnia.

So here I am, not having slept in God-only-knows how many hours. I'm having bouts of sleeplessness these days. Its 11 am on a sunday(I'm writing this in a Barista, will post it later), and I last slept for about three hours, two days ago. It was on friday afternoon, after having been awake for what I think was another two days or so.

So anyway, I think its weird. I mean, I'm one of those people who used to prioritize sleep and food over love, you know. Never felt sated or content just to be in love. I needed lots of food, drink, and Zzzzzzs. It was fine, I understood when I made do with lack of rest while I was doing my stint (turned out to be just a stint, heh) at B-school. Things were fast, there was always too much to do, and too little time to do it in. But now, I have lots of time, I am working on my own terms, and not more than a few hours a day. Still I find myself an insomniac.

And mind you, this lack of sleep isn't because of caffeine or even nicotine. All those '-ines' aren't what's keeping me going. In fact, I usually drink coffee to give in, and get hyperactive for a while, so that I can get hyper-tired afterwards, and drift off to sleep.

And surprisingly, this lack of sleep isn't affecting my moods or my capacity for lucid thought. It is making me take multiple showers in one sleep-cycle though.

Man, this coffee is bitter. No-one knows how to make my cold coffee extra strong and just the way I like it, except for my fav Cafe Coffee Day in South Campus. Hah. Pity it opens later than this place, and a bigger pity its so far off from Vineesh's place.

Yeah, this coffee really isn't my cup of tea. But still nice for a change in taste.

So what do you think is the matter with my biological rythm? I mean, I'm working every day, I'm having fun every day, I'm drinking enough fluids. I'm eating when I'm hungry enough to drag me away from whatever it is I'm doing at the moment.

I have everything I wanted a few months ago, when I was going through the most recent of my moments of truth. And I find satisfaction only after having been awake for a long, long time, having completed more work than I could possibly do in one day, and basically dallied with all possible activities for a day.

Still, why do I never feel exhilirated anymore? Is it because I'm not in a relationship anymore? Is it because I've not been at my job for a longer time? Is it because almost everything I want is within my reach and so I don't get really happy at acheiving something that I thought I wouldn't be able to do?

Why do humans suffer from insomnia? I think in my case, I'm just trying to push myself to the edge beyond the edge.

Ah, atleast the little chocolate sprinkles are little drops of sweetness in that bitter liquid.

Anyway, so as I was saying, I'm pushing myself harder each day. Harder than I can do. I go for long, long brisk walks, I run part of the way, just when I start to feel a little tired. I am listening to music that I would ordinarily switch from on the radio. I'm learning new songs on the guitar, figuring out riffs I'd have given up as too tough some months ago.

I think I'd become too complacent in my old life. I had everything. And now I'm not sad when I say that. I had everything, and I lost it all on less than one pitch of turn and toss.

So I guess I've managed to start again, from new beginnings, and am learning not to breathe a word about my loss. And I think that's why I'm pushing myself. So that I won't ever get complacent. So that I won't stop trying and trying harder the next time I think I have everything again.

You can't stop trying once you have everything. You have to try harder to watch out for signs of it starting to slip away. And harder still to not let it fade away completely. I hope I will have the strength.

ps...You know, the coffee isn't that bad. I kind of like the bitterness of the aftertaste. :)